It is easy to feel alone in this life. At a certain hour, the house goes quiet and there is no one to sit and talk to. Laughs you might have during the day often go unshared. It is so easy to get caught up in the web of loneliness. Feeling sorry for yourself and pouting are easy things to do, but carrying on, that takes guts.
My kids are the most gutsy people I know. At the ages of 11 and soon to be 9, they are stronger than most adults I know. Already, goodbye is a common word and gesture for them. There is no doubt that they know how to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and carry on. "Army worn" in their own right, all to often, they adapt well to change.
Today, I was reminded of how great my kids are. I had one of those days where I was having such trouble staying in the game. I wanted to hide out at my computer. I kept my nose buried in a book that I have been reading for a few days, while I listened for the Yahoo noise to tell me my husband was online. Instead, I decided to take myself to the couch and sit in the same room with my kids.
Like always, their spirit filled me. Though we were all doing our own things, just being in the same room, we connected. Soon, we were laughing and playing UNO. There is nothing in this world like the laughter of a child, giggles galore.
These moments are how we stay strong. They know that I am here for them, but I wonder if they realize the source of strength they are to me. Today, I asked my daughter if she knew how much I loved her. To which she stated "to the end of the world."
Saturday, January 8, 2011
It's that time again...
It is 2011 and we have made it through the first official full week! Here is the update on us...
We celebrated New Years Eve with some friends that were off to start a new adventure in the Land of Oz, completely missed the kiss at midnight ritual due to our interest in watching a movie titled "Devil", but the following day we did manage to eat our black eyed peas for luck and my stand in substitute of spinach for cash.
My husband had asked me on the 1st if I had any resolutions. I was actually in the middle of contemplating them at that time. Then it hit me I am not calling them resolutions this year because for what ever reason, that tends to be an automatic shut off valve for most.
This year, I have goals. Some are material in nature, but as many who know me would expect, many are deep and personal soul searching hopes.
My goal list:
1. My husband and I plan to get the acre we bought a couple of years ago paid off this year. This will take some budgeting and self control.
2. Budget better... One of the places that I have found that I am utilizing for inspiration is:
3. Practice self control when shopping. Super sale items only; if you don't love it, don't buy it; if it is a high priced item that is not needed immediately, sleep on it; etc.
4. Volunteer in my community. I am looking to share my time with a humane society.
Now is where I get personal. I don't always like the person in the mirror. I am a giving person, and I would do just about anything for a friend, but at times, I fall below my own standards. That being said, here are my soul goals...
5. Be a stronger personality and stand up for what I believe more often. I recognize that standing quietly by while someone does something I don't agree with is the same as going along with them in a sense.
6. Be more accepting, compassionate, and open. Sometimes our personal feelings on things can get in the way of understanding how someone else may deal differently with something than we would. I want to get to a place where I can be a better friend by listening more and understanding where my friends are at in these types of situations.
This is a short list of goals I know, but they are the types of goals that when completed they will make a huge impact on my life and those around me. A new year usually means striving for a new you, and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather start than my soul...
May the blessings abound in 2011!
We celebrated New Years Eve with some friends that were off to start a new adventure in the Land of Oz, completely missed the kiss at midnight ritual due to our interest in watching a movie titled "Devil", but the following day we did manage to eat our black eyed peas for luck and my stand in substitute of spinach for cash.
My husband had asked me on the 1st if I had any resolutions. I was actually in the middle of contemplating them at that time. Then it hit me I am not calling them resolutions this year because for what ever reason, that tends to be an automatic shut off valve for most.
This year, I have goals. Some are material in nature, but as many who know me would expect, many are deep and personal soul searching hopes.
My goal list:
1. My husband and I plan to get the acre we bought a couple of years ago paid off this year. This will take some budgeting and self control.
2. Budget better... One of the places that I have found that I am utilizing for inspiration is:
3. Practice self control when shopping. Super sale items only; if you don't love it, don't buy it; if it is a high priced item that is not needed immediately, sleep on it; etc.
4. Volunteer in my community. I am looking to share my time with a humane society.
Now is where I get personal. I don't always like the person in the mirror. I am a giving person, and I would do just about anything for a friend, but at times, I fall below my own standards. That being said, here are my soul goals...
5. Be a stronger personality and stand up for what I believe more often. I recognize that standing quietly by while someone does something I don't agree with is the same as going along with them in a sense.
6. Be more accepting, compassionate, and open. Sometimes our personal feelings on things can get in the way of understanding how someone else may deal differently with something than we would. I want to get to a place where I can be a better friend by listening more and understanding where my friends are at in these types of situations.
This is a short list of goals I know, but they are the types of goals that when completed they will make a huge impact on my life and those around me. A new year usually means striving for a new you, and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather start than my soul...
May the blessings abound in 2011!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Summertime and the living is easy...
Three months have passed since my last post. My husband did make it home safely, though not without a few snags here and there. It wouldn't be the Army life any other way right? Since being home we have enjoyed so much time together that it has just flown by. This is a bitter sweet habit time has. Why can't time drag and allow one to relish the good moments instead of rushing through them; only to drag in times we'd rather see speed by?
Ah well what can one do but make the best of it.
My husband is back to work at a new job and a new unit. It feels good to let go of the past, but it is hard walking away from a unit that has been your "family" for nearly 6 years. Like all families, the disfunction is there, but there were plenty of good moments to make up for them. Regardless of where we are or what we are doing, the chinook family will always be dear to our hearts.
As for us, we travel forward toward the window. That window is showing more and more light every day, but I know ours is a tinted window. My husband loves his job and the Army, so the thought of him retiring at 20 years is very much like a mirage. I can see the end, but it ripples in the glow of the Army star, threatening to vanish with the slightest turn of events. For now though, we will go forward and just enjoy the view of the mirage until we can be sure if it is a real watering hole or not.
Right now, this is the time for my self improvement. Starting this semester I will be jumping head first full time into college. Up until now, I have sort of waltzed with college; a class here, a class there. Now though, with the reality of my husband's retirement hanging so vividly in front of me, I have a goal that must be tackled. If that mirage is to be a fading temptress it won't be because I can not work to provide for us. In the end, the worst case scenario would be us PCSing for another go, and me making some serious money to add to the family pot. That's not a bad worst case scenario at all...
This isn't going to be just his retirement in the end anyhow. Sure, the soldier serves and fights, but we as Army wives (and husbands) give to the cause as well. Once you have lived this life for a good amount of time, the idea of walking away from it can be overwhelming. If all you have ever known of yourself is "The Army Spouse," it is important to take that journey to find who you are outside of the Army life and what you have to give the civilian world. For me, my journey starts with college...
Ah well what can one do but make the best of it.
My husband is back to work at a new job and a new unit. It feels good to let go of the past, but it is hard walking away from a unit that has been your "family" for nearly 6 years. Like all families, the disfunction is there, but there were plenty of good moments to make up for them. Regardless of where we are or what we are doing, the chinook family will always be dear to our hearts.
As for us, we travel forward toward the window. That window is showing more and more light every day, but I know ours is a tinted window. My husband loves his job and the Army, so the thought of him retiring at 20 years is very much like a mirage. I can see the end, but it ripples in the glow of the Army star, threatening to vanish with the slightest turn of events. For now though, we will go forward and just enjoy the view of the mirage until we can be sure if it is a real watering hole or not.
Right now, this is the time for my self improvement. Starting this semester I will be jumping head first full time into college. Up until now, I have sort of waltzed with college; a class here, a class there. Now though, with the reality of my husband's retirement hanging so vividly in front of me, I have a goal that must be tackled. If that mirage is to be a fading temptress it won't be because I can not work to provide for us. In the end, the worst case scenario would be us PCSing for another go, and me making some serious money to add to the family pot. That's not a bad worst case scenario at all...
This isn't going to be just his retirement in the end anyhow. Sure, the soldier serves and fights, but we as Army wives (and husbands) give to the cause as well. Once you have lived this life for a good amount of time, the idea of walking away from it can be overwhelming. If all you have ever known of yourself is "The Army Spouse," it is important to take that journey to find who you are outside of the Army life and what you have to give the civilian world. For me, my journey starts with college...
Monday, April 19, 2010
Passing the time with a photo blog
So far this week my soldier's flight home has been pushed back 7 times and quite frankly that is enough to make anyone lose faith or hope or whatever in the world you want to call it. He was on one of the original flights booked and yet somehow, that particular flight has managed to fall to the LAST flight home now. It is hard to keep smiling and push forward, but what choice does one have really? Well, I decided to make a photo blog while I wait because the only place I feel happy is behind the camera. The world is so much simpler there, and pretty details jump out at you that most people miss in the rush of day to day life.To start, above you will see my favorite flower, well aside from the Texas Bluebonnet. This is one of my beautiful yellow roses that is in bloom. There is nothing more delicate, yet like me she has thorns to prevent anyone from picking her. Right now, I feel a lot like this rose..withering daily and yet strong in my stance against the elements.
The bluebonnets to the right are growing strong this year after waiting patiently for 2 years for the seed to take in. I was so happy to see them show up! I spent $100 on the seed for my birthday and was SURE they weren't ever going to grow. This year though, we had the PERFECT weather set up and I got some beautiful late birthday gifts. They were well worth the wait, just like my husband's flight will be! (Repeat as often as needed...) Sometimes it is hard to wait...
Day to day, I see beautiful things in the world and often they are things that weren't beautiful to begin with. They required patience and love and understanding to become beautiful. This deployment was supposed to be over already for us. We have given it our all and still it drags on, but in the end, I trust that God will nurture our souls to help rebuild our faith and walk with us as we seek the determination to push through these set backs. After all, set backs are nothing more than the storms to the flowers. If they can hang in there and withstand wind, rain, and hail to become one of the crowning jewels of Texas, then my soldier and I can withstand a few delays.
No...SERIOUSLY!
When military families are waiting for homecoming they never think it will be put off by a volcano! This time that is EXACTLY what has happened to several families. Explaining it to others is about as fun as it sounds to WAIT. Yesterday I had a twisted and humorous experience with it. I had taken the kids to the library on post and was asked to fill out an information sheet on my account. When I handed it to the man behind the counter, he notices that I have put my email down. This REALLY shouldn't have been a big surprise since it said "the email you would like notifications sent to if different from the sponsor's email."
I guess it was more than he could grasp because he launched into an explanation of why they MUST email the sponsor. I listened and then reassured him that I didn't care what they sent to either email, the books won't be late anyhow. No big deal right? Well, at this point the gentleman says "well we can email you if your soldier is deployed." This is where it got fun.
I said "well he is deployed." To which he replies "when do you expect him back?" His pen is in hand- ready to write my answer on the paper for "official purposes." Okay. HA HA! In a very serious voice, and no smile on my face because I want him to take me seriously I said "yesterday."
At this point he looks at me like I have lost my marbles. Yes perhaps, but there is no way I can make this story up. So, judging my face, he asks "why isn't he back?" With the same serious face I replied simply "volcano." I thought this man was going to crack up, he was looking at me like you might look at Saturday Night Live's most twisted episode. You could almost hear his brain shouting "IS THIS A JOKE?" After he realizes I am not laughing, he then decides to carry on. "When do you expect him back then?"
"When the volcano decides to put a cap on it."
"So, when do you think this will be?"
I laugh a nervous laugh here because really...
He is still holding the pen, "Deployed until:" is written on the paper.
"Why don't you just put down May because if it goes longer than that we are going to have an issue."
So, now my form at the library reads Deployed until: May due to volcano.
I am not sure if that man really believed me, he was still looking at me like I had told him magic fairies were invading the card catalog when I left. I however walked out laughing because it isn't everyday that you get to say deployed and volcano in the same sentence.
I guess it was more than he could grasp because he launched into an explanation of why they MUST email the sponsor. I listened and then reassured him that I didn't care what they sent to either email, the books won't be late anyhow. No big deal right? Well, at this point the gentleman says "well we can email you if your soldier is deployed." This is where it got fun.
I said "well he is deployed." To which he replies "when do you expect him back?" His pen is in hand- ready to write my answer on the paper for "official purposes." Okay. HA HA! In a very serious voice, and no smile on my face because I want him to take me seriously I said "yesterday."
At this point he looks at me like I have lost my marbles. Yes perhaps, but there is no way I can make this story up. So, judging my face, he asks "why isn't he back?" With the same serious face I replied simply "volcano." I thought this man was going to crack up, he was looking at me like you might look at Saturday Night Live's most twisted episode. You could almost hear his brain shouting "IS THIS A JOKE?" After he realizes I am not laughing, he then decides to carry on. "When do you expect him back then?"
"When the volcano decides to put a cap on it."
"So, when do you think this will be?"
I laugh a nervous laugh here because really...
He is still holding the pen, "Deployed until:" is written on the paper.
"Why don't you just put down May because if it goes longer than that we are going to have an issue."
So, now my form at the library reads Deployed until: May due to volcano.
I am not sure if that man really believed me, he was still looking at me like I had told him magic fairies were invading the card catalog when I left. I however walked out laughing because it isn't everyday that you get to say deployed and volcano in the same sentence.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Surviving Christmas Without My Soldier
As I write this, Dec. 24, 2009 is ticking away. Tomorrow my children will wake and come running to see what Santa brought them. I will be beaming and full of love, camera in hand as usual. Everything will "seem" normal, but three hearts here and a heart 4000 miles away will know the difference.
It has been very hard to push through the Christmas season knowing that our soldier would miss it. My kids have been so great about keeping their chins up and just enjoying the moments with mom. Time keeps going regardless, and the Army steals so much already. I can't, WON'T, give them my time with my children too.
Survival of this season has meant savoring the small things, and making big deals out of small moments. We have shared more than our fair share of hot cocoa, tried hot apple cider, and played board games. Anything and everything we could do to stay busy and just enjoy each other. I love this season, and I love that the Army has taught us to soak moments like this up.
My kids have really been a source of joy and love this season. They are both so strong and amazing. I could never fully express how very proud I am of them and their steadfast courage in their Dad's absence.
I can however tell you that we have a special moment planned. They have trudged through this season thinking that Dad wouldn't be home until January. In the 16 years he has been in the Army, and 13 we have been married, this is the first Christmas missed. We have been very blessed.
Plenty of tears were shed when they learned he wouldn't be able to make it for Christmas this year. My 11 year old wanted to visit Santa to ask that Dad have a good Christmas. :) My tough kiddos even agreed to wait and open the gifts from Mom and Dad when Dad gets home...in January.
Our children will be so surprised when Daddy greets them at the airport soon. I have them convinced that they are going to the airport for a field trip. Just something to keep us "busy" during the Christmas break and take our minds off Daddy being gone. :) I cannot wait to see their smiles when they see their soldier.
I cannot wait to hold my soldier in my arms.
That is how I have survived this Christmas season. All of my thoughts and energy have been centered on pulling off this ruse and filling my kids with a joy that they will remember for the rest of their lives. There is no better gift. Even Santa can't beat this!
Merry Christmas everyone!
It has been very hard to push through the Christmas season knowing that our soldier would miss it. My kids have been so great about keeping their chins up and just enjoying the moments with mom. Time keeps going regardless, and the Army steals so much already. I can't, WON'T, give them my time with my children too.
Survival of this season has meant savoring the small things, and making big deals out of small moments. We have shared more than our fair share of hot cocoa, tried hot apple cider, and played board games. Anything and everything we could do to stay busy and just enjoy each other. I love this season, and I love that the Army has taught us to soak moments like this up.
My kids have really been a source of joy and love this season. They are both so strong and amazing. I could never fully express how very proud I am of them and their steadfast courage in their Dad's absence.
I can however tell you that we have a special moment planned. They have trudged through this season thinking that Dad wouldn't be home until January. In the 16 years he has been in the Army, and 13 we have been married, this is the first Christmas missed. We have been very blessed.
Plenty of tears were shed when they learned he wouldn't be able to make it for Christmas this year. My 11 year old wanted to visit Santa to ask that Dad have a good Christmas. :) My tough kiddos even agreed to wait and open the gifts from Mom and Dad when Dad gets home...in January.
Our children will be so surprised when Daddy greets them at the airport soon. I have them convinced that they are going to the airport for a field trip. Just something to keep us "busy" during the Christmas break and take our minds off Daddy being gone. :) I cannot wait to see their smiles when they see their soldier.
I cannot wait to hold my soldier in my arms.
That is how I have survived this Christmas season. All of my thoughts and energy have been centered on pulling off this ruse and filling my kids with a joy that they will remember for the rest of their lives. There is no better gift. Even Santa can't beat this!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"Mom said WHAT?"
I don't know how many Army separations this one makes for us, it seems I have lost count. One thing seems to always hold true, and this time, I decided to do something about it.
When my husband leaves, he says goodbye to a person that closer resembles a lady, and inevitably comes home to a "sailor". I don't know what happens, and it isn't something I am proud of. I think the stress of "doing it all" just absorbs the creative use of words and leaves me with nothing but ick. Quick responses are easily spit out in haste without forethought and never good for little ears.
Well, this deployment, I am (WE are) doing something about it. To set a better example for the little ears that live here, and to encourage them AND myself to better ourselves through self expression, we came up with a "cuss jar" for mom. Every time I say a "word" I have to put in 5 cents. At the end of the week, they get to split the money. Everyone that reads this will know that kids would LOVE their mom to establish a jar for their flaws.
The jar is working though. I don't get a chance to slip up without one of my kids running to my room and grabbing a nickle from my change jar to throw it into the"cuss jar". It really does make me stop and think before I slip. I also must admit that I DO in fact put in the change for the words I say even when they are not within ear shot. (Yes Jamie, I paid them for my slip ups yesterday.) My conscience eats at me other wise.
This jar is about me. It is about making me happier with myself, and making me feel better about my job as a mom. My kids know that adults can say things they cannot, but I think they also need to know that adults can want better for themselves too. I am hoping this lesson will carry them through a rough stage in their lives, when they wake up to realize they haven't been all that they want to be for themselves. After all, we're all human...
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