Passing the time with a photo blog

So far this week my soldier's flight home has been pushed back 7 times and quite frankly that is enough to make anyone lose faith or hope or whatever in the world you want to call it. He was on one of the original flights booked and yet somehow, that particular flight has managed to fall to the LAST flight home now. It is hard to keep smiling and push forward, but what choice does one have really? Well, I decided to make a photo blog while I wait because the only place I feel happy is behind the camera. The world is so much simpler there, and pretty details jump out at you that most people miss in the rush of day to day life.

To start, above you will see my favorite flower, well aside from the Texas Bluebonnet. This is one of my beautiful yellow roses that is in bloom. There is nothing more delicate, yet like me she has thorns to prevent anyone from picking her. Right now, I feel a lot like this rose..withering daily and yet strong in my stance against the elements.

The bluebonnets to the right are growing strong this year after waiting patiently for 2 years for the seed to take in. I was so happy to see them show up! I spent $100 on the seed for my birthday and was SURE they weren't ever going to grow. This year though, we had the PERFECT weather set up and I got some beautiful late birthday gifts. They were well worth the wait, just like my husband's flight will be! (Repeat as often as needed...) Sometimes it is hard to wait...

Day to day, I see beautiful things in the world and often they are things that weren't beautiful to begin with. They required patience and love and understanding to become beautiful. This deployment was supposed to be over already for us. We have given it our all and still it drags on, but in the end, I trust that God will nurture our souls to help rebuild our faith and walk with us as we seek the determination to push through these set backs. After all, set backs are nothing more than the storms to the flowers. If they can hang in there and withstand wind, rain, and hail to become one of the crowning jewels of Texas, then my soldier and I can withstand a few delays.

No...SERIOUSLY!

When military families are waiting for homecoming they never think it will be put off by a volcano! This time that is EXACTLY what has happened to several families. Explaining it to others is about as fun as it sounds to WAIT. Yesterday I had a twisted and humorous experience with it. I had taken the kids to the library on post and was asked to fill out an information sheet on my account. When I handed it to the man behind the counter, he notices that I have put my email down. This REALLY shouldn't have been a big surprise since it said "the email you would like notifications sent to if different from the sponsor's email."

I guess it was more than he could grasp because he launched into an explanation of why they MUST email the sponsor. I listened and then reassured him that I didn't care what they sent to either email, the books won't be late anyhow. No big deal right? Well, at this point the gentleman says "well we can email you if your soldier is deployed." This is where it got fun.

I said "well he is deployed." To which he replies "when do you expect him back?" His pen is in hand- ready to write my answer on the paper for "official purposes." Okay. HA HA! In a very serious voice, and no smile on my face because I want him to take me seriously I said "yesterday."

At this point he looks at me like I have lost my marbles. Yes perhaps, but there is no way I can make this story up. So, judging my face, he asks "why isn't he back?" With the same serious face I replied simply "volcano." I thought this man was going to crack up, he was looking at me like you might look at Saturday Night Live's most twisted episode. You could almost hear his brain shouting "IS THIS A JOKE?" After he realizes I am not laughing, he then decides to carry on. "When do you expect him back then?"

"When the volcano decides to put a cap on it."

"So, when do you think this will be?"

I laugh a nervous laugh here because really...

He is still holding the pen, "Deployed until:" is written on the paper.

"Why don't you just put down May because if it goes longer than that we are going to have an issue."

So, now my form at the library reads Deployed until: May due to volcano.


I am not sure if that man really believed me, he was still looking at me like I had told him magic fairies were invading the card catalog when I left. I however walked out laughing because it isn't everyday that you get to say deployed and volcano in the same sentence.

Surviving Christmas Without My Soldier

As I write this, Dec. 24, 2009 is ticking away. Tomorrow my children will wake and come running to see what Santa brought them. I will be beaming and full of love, camera in hand as usual. Everything will "seem" normal, but three hearts here and a heart 4000 miles away will know the difference.

It has been very hard to push through the Christmas season knowing that our soldier would miss it. My kids have been so great about keeping their chins up and just enjoying the moments with mom. Time keeps going regardless, and the Army steals so much already. I can't, WON'T, give them my time with my children too.

Survival of this season has meant savoring the small things, and making big deals out of small moments. We have shared more than our fair share of hot cocoa, tried hot apple cider, and played board games. Anything and everything we could do to stay busy and just enjoy each other. I love this season, and I love that the Army has taught us to soak moments like this up.

My kids have really been a source of joy and love this season. They are both so strong and amazing. I could never fully express how very proud I am of them and their steadfast courage in their Dad's absence.

I can however tell you that we have a special moment planned. They have trudged through this season thinking that Dad wouldn't be home until January. In the 16 years he has been in the Army, and 13 we have been married, this is the first Christmas missed. We have been very blessed.

Plenty of tears were shed when they learned he wouldn't be able to make it for Christmas this year. My 11 year old wanted to visit Santa to ask that Dad have a good Christmas. :) My tough kiddos even agreed to wait and open the gifts from Mom and Dad when Dad gets home...in January.

Our children will be so surprised when Daddy greets them at the airport soon. I have them convinced that they are going to the airport for a field trip. Just something to keep us "busy" during the Christmas break and take our minds off Daddy being gone. :) I cannot wait to see their smiles when they see their soldier.

I cannot wait to hold my soldier in my arms.

That is how I have survived this Christmas season. All of my thoughts and energy have been centered on pulling off this ruse and filling my kids with a joy that they will remember for the rest of their lives. There is no better gift. Even Santa can't beat this!

Merry Christmas everyone!

"Mom said WHAT?"

I don't know how many Army separations this one makes for us, it seems I have lost count. One thing seems to always hold true, and this time, I decided to do something about it.

When my husband leaves, he says goodbye to a person that closer resembles a lady, and inevitably comes home to a "sailor". I don't know what happens, and it isn't something I am proud of. I think the stress of "doing it all" just absorbs the creative use of words and leaves me with nothing but ick. Quick responses are easily spit out in haste without forethought and never good for little ears.

Well, this deployment, I am (WE are) doing something about it. To set a better example for the little ears that live here, and to encourage them AND myself to better ourselves through self expression, we came up with a "cuss jar" for mom. Every time I say a "word" I have to put in 5 cents. At the end of the week, they get to split the money. Everyone that reads this will know that kids would LOVE their mom to establish a jar for their flaws.

The jar is working though. I don't get a chance to slip up without one of my kids running to my room and grabbing a nickle from my change jar to throw it into the"cuss jar". It really does make me stop and think before I slip. I also must admit that I DO in fact put in the change for the words I say even when they are not within ear shot. (Yes Jamie, I paid them for my slip ups yesterday.) My conscience eats at me other wise.

This jar is about me. It is about making me happier with myself, and making me feel better about my job as a mom. My kids know that adults can say things they cannot, but I think they also need to know that adults can want better for themselves too. I am hoping this lesson will carry them through a rough stage in their lives, when they wake up to realize they haven't been all that they want to be for themselves. After all, we're all human...

Welcome to "The Great Place"

Just the other day as I walked into my home, I thought about those crime shows. The part where the victim of a break-in never feels safe again in the comfort of their own home in particular. I don't know what brought about my thoughts on this. I remember wondering if I would be able to get used to living in a home again in this situation. I wondered about my personal strengths and whether I would have that fortitude.

Yesterday, the Ft Hood community became that victim. Every heart and every core was shaken. None more than those directly affected by the tragedy, but as a whole, the community walked through that door and found we had been victimized.

Left breathless and full of questions, the hours ticked to night, and then, a new day arrived. The community pulled together, some gave blood, some donations, some prayed, and we ALL carried on. Our house may have been victimized, but we have not been victims.

I am proud to be part of the Army family, and I am proud of how the Ft Hood community proved we have the fortitude to keep going.

The next time you are welcomed to "The Great Place", you will know that WE are what makes this place great.

Never forget.

Today as I visited my favorite military spouse support site (http://www.militaryspousesupport.net/boards/), I came across a posting of a spouse asking why she was so angry. She was asking for support because every time her soldier calls home, she hangs up feeling upset and regretful that he had even called.

Immediately she began getting the support she was looking for. Spouses rallied around her posting, assuring her it was perfectly normal. So, why is it, we all feel so guilty for those thoughts?

There are books out there that will free you of guilt from everything you might regret, but not thoughts such as hers (ours). To some it would seem cold and wrong to think that it might be better if the soldier just didn't call home. While they have a right to their own opinion, truth of the matter is, this is a much deeper issue than the soldier and that phone call home. She truly isn't saying she doesn't want to hear from him.

My response to her post was about resentment. As I have gotten older, in our Army life, I have come to realize that my feelings about things are deeper than surface. In the beginning, I would have felt guilty for these thoughts as well. Who am I kidding? I did. I would have thought I was wishing I didn't have to talk to my soldier. However, that is not what is being said here. In truth, the feeling of anger that comes after only being allowed to talk to your soldier for 30 minutes while they are deployed 4000 miles away for a year, is not anger AT the soldier. It is just easy to apply it to them because they are tangible.

I have discovered, that my anger is actually hurt. Hurt that is fed by the resentment of time; time that is passing. Time that we will never get back. As Army spouses, we spend the better part of 24 hours a day without hearing from our soldiers. Not for just one day. We do this for 365 days a year, sometimes more. Imagine trying to share your life with someone in 30 minutes of time. Think of what it might be like to try to connect with someone emotionally in that window. Now, think of trying to keep a living, vital marriage alive with that small fragment of time. Even the strongest marriages are tested.

The key is always to look deeper at your feelings. Chances are you will find that your hurt and anger are aimed at the wrong subject. Once you can see the picture clearly, it will help you to overcome those feelings and see past the guilt.

When it gets to be too bad, it also helps to remember that military spouses before us, had a much harder time. Internet and 30 minute phone calls home would have been like winning the lottery for them.

Through the knowledge of their strength, we can be fortified.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I have seen the previews for this movie numerous times. Usually, I just think it looks like a good film to take in with friends for a girl's night out. Today though, I really gave thought to the story line. A woman who is in love with a man, who leaves for fragments of time, some unexpectedly.

I then realized how much military spouses have in common with this story. We live with "time travelers". I know for me at least, I often feel like my time with my husband is spent in fragments, pieces of time.

The time we have together is treasured. I find myself always doing what I can to soak up the warmth in those moments because I know I will need the memories to live through our lost years. Years... seems so unthinkable to most to spend that amount of time apart.

In one of the previews, Rachael McAdams's character looks at her husband and says "I never had a choice." I didn't either. This man, my husband, was put here on Earth for me. There is no doubt. There has never been a doubt about the graviational pull we had for each other. We twirled around each other's lives for years, crossing paths, barely missing each other. Unknowingly, being pulled into each other's orbit for a chance meeting at just the right moment.

I don't know how the movie ends. From the previews, the one thing that is certain, is the great love shared between the two. One that surpasses any amount of time spent apart. He aches for the pain he causes her, by leaving far too often, and she pangs from the loneliness and heartbreak of saying goodbye.

As for our story, I am sure my husband and I will continue to dance in and out of each other's lives. Living in the moments that we are together. Allowing the fervor to sink in, all the while knowing, soon he will leave with the stroke of a clock.

Until then, here I sit, waiting, for my "time traveler".