With today being Father's Day, I couldn't help but think of this picture. It was taken right before my husband left for a tour to Pakistan to aide in the recovery from their earthquakes. This was the first picture I had taken of him and the kids as goodbye drew near, that I could see in the kids' eyes that they knew what "goodbye" meant. This photo to me represents the moment my kids realized they were Army kids.

This photo made me doubt my own commitment as an Army spouse. I saw such love and sadness blended in my children's eyes that I wondered if this lifestyle was in fact right for us. It is one thing to feel the pain of "goodbye" yourself. It is another to watch it in a child's eyes.

Fast forward to 2012, and 2 Iraq deployments later, and I can tell you that we are a devoted Army family. My kids amazed me from the day of this picture forward. They began stepping up to the absence of their dad, and helping around the house.

Sure they had nights that they cried, but they had days where they laughed too. The Army family life has made them stronger, and they understand the value of the people they love. They understand that everyone says goodbye at some point and time, and they have learned to appreciate the time they share with those people.


As hard as goodbyes are, and as challenging as the Army life can be; I can't think of a better lesson in life for my children to learn.

Army family strong, always.

May 1st, 2011 a day in history

May 1st, 2011 will go down in history as the day America finally got some justice. It was a day to celebrate for many, but seeing the crowds of people chanting just made me cringe. Those are the Americans that do not get it. In their eyes it was the end. 10 years of war stops for them in that moment. Much like a clock with a dead battery, their world stopped ticking and a fool's golden peace flooded their air. Unicorns and rainbows will abound in their dreams at night. The world will link hands and sing "We Are the World" and harmony will be complete with jingling tambourines.

A week from now, those dreams will crash and the tambourines will be thrown in tantrums with new signs going up demanding the troops be brought back NOW! Reality will hit them hardest because they do not see clearly what is just ahead. More.

This war does not stop on a dime because one man is dead. This is not a war against any one individual. This is a war against a movement. The trouble with leaders is there are always followers.

The military community gets it. On Sept. 11, 2001 we understood in an instant that our lives had changed. We weren't sure how or how much, but we knew we were suddenly becoming a generation the world would not soon forget. Today we know there is a lot of fight left and it is too premature to celebrate openly.

As I watched the news showing the crowds of people gathering and waving flags, I couldn't help but be saddened. Not but days ago, if you had polled many of those in those same crowds their call to end the war would have drowned out the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner" at any ball game. Today as they sing proudly along with the national anthem and wave their flags on the big screen at the games, I say raise them high and remember who fights for your freedom to be irresolute in your patriotism. Remember who brought you your trophy. Remember, because in a week, when the war is still going and you are weary and could not care less about those that fight and the families that support them, those service members will STILL be willing to fight for you; and their families will STILL be waving flags and singing the national anthem proudly as they always have.

"How do you NOT think about...?"

Soon, some of the ladies/my sisters, that I have shared past deployments with will say goodbye AGAIN to their soldiers. Although I will not be in their shoes this time, my heart is breaking for each of them. We all know too well the pain that comes with goodbye first hand.

That being said, I wanted to take a moment and write about one of the most asked questions Army spouses get. (I can't speak for other services, but I would guess they get it too.) "How do you not think about what COULD happen?"

This is such a common question, and is usually asked in a laid back tone of voice with a hint of internal panic by the one asking it. Those that DARE ask this question cannot fathom the thought of going a year without seeing their loved one; let alone doing so knowing that a chaplain might be the next uniform they see.

The true reaction to this question from an Army spouse's point of view is initially "OUCH! How DARE you ask this question!" We work very hard to never speak such things aloud. It seems to be in line with most superstitions. If said aloud it gives the "deployment monster" more teeth.

That said, I would like to take a chance and try to answer this question honestly.

We stay busy. Seems so easy for such a deep question does it not? It really is just that. There is no choice. If you allow yourself time to think about the war, those dark shadow thoughts creep in. Staying busy, with work, kids, hobbies, friends, etc. is about the only way to TRULY survive without giving thought to "what might happen."

Now that I have answered it so nonchalantly let me share with you what the internal struggle to keep the dark thoughts away is really like. Imagine being strapped to a chair, covered in honey, seeing the ants marching towards you. There is nothing you can do but wait. Wait to be bitten or wait for help to come wash away the ants and the honey. You wait. You wait for your release. You accept your circumstance. You busy your mind with the wind, the birds, the sunshine on your face. You focus on the good things around you because panic gets you no where fast. You breathe.

Being an Army spouse takes the heart of a lion and the spirit of an angel. My friends that have soldiers leaving have proven their strength time and time again. I am certain this time will be no different. They are some of the strongest souls I have met, and as their hearts break I pray they know I am thinking of them. I am here for them. I admire them. Godspeed this deployment.

Being a Military Spouse

Your furnace won't work. Fix it.
Your child is sick and you have to get to work or class. Tough. Your world has to wait.
Your soldier has been deployed to Iraq and you haven't heard from him for a week. Trust. You have to have faith that they are safe and it is just a communications blackout... because someone else's soldier is hurt or dead and they don't want word getting out the wrong way to the family.

Imagine living in a world where 365 days a year you are waiting for the other foot to drop, praying God forgot to put on His shoes and walks gently through your life.
Imagine the dreams you might have laying in bed alone after having just put your children to bed crying for their soldier parent.
Imagine the sleep you might lose when those dreams frighten you awake night after night, 365 days a year...or more.
Imagine how the military spouse feels when their service member returns. The elation of feeling their arms around them, the newness of the touch after having gone without it for such a long time; realizing that they have both grown and changed, wondering if they have grown so much apart that they won't be able to find their way back to each other; knowing there is barely a year to reconnect before the next 365 day separation.
Imagine the loss of odds on that marriage, and the work and effort it takes to save it time and time again.

Imagine knowing that your loved one believes so fondly in this country that they are willing to put their lives on the line. The honor of knowing they fight even for those that would spit on them or call them baby killers. It takes a strong heart and an even stronger faith to be willing to give for them.

The heart of a military spouse is made of steel. Not everyone can handle this life. Their hearts have to be able to withstand being torn apart every other year as their loved one goes off to war. Their hearts have to hold the pain it feels tight, because they have children to hold and be strong for. They have lives to live.

They have days where they just want to scream. They have days that they want to cry. They have days that they do.

Military spouses are some of the strongest people you will ever meet.

To the end of the world...and more ( A lost blog entry that never got published... it should have.)

It is easy to feel alone in this life. At a certain hour, the house goes quiet and there is no one to sit and talk to. Laughs you might have during the day often go unshared. It is so easy to get caught up in the web of loneliness. Feeling sorry for yourself and pouting are easy things to do, but carrying on, that takes guts.

My kids are the most gutsy people I know. At the ages of 11 and soon to be 9, they are stronger than most adults I know. Already, goodbye is a common word and gesture for them. There is no doubt that they know how to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and carry on. "Army worn" in their own right, all to often, they adapt well to change.

Today, I was reminded of how great my kids are. I had one of those days where I was having such trouble staying in the game. I wanted to hide out at my computer. I kept my nose buried in a book that I have been reading for a few days, while I listened for the Yahoo noise to tell me my husband was online. Instead, I decided to take myself to the couch and sit in the same room with my kids.

Like always, their spirit filled me. Though we were all doing our own things, just being in the same room, we connected. Soon, we were laughing and playing UNO. There is nothing in this world like the laughter of a child, giggles galore.

These moments are how we stay strong. They know that I am here for them, but I wonder if they realize the source of strength they are to me. Today, I asked my daughter if she knew how much I loved her. To which she stated "to the end of the world."

It's that time again...

It is 2011 and we have made it through the first official full week! Here is the update on us...

We celebrated New Years Eve with some friends that were off to start a new adventure in the Land of Oz, completely missed the kiss at midnight ritual due to our interest in watching a movie titled "Devil", but the following day we did manage to eat our black eyed peas for luck and my stand in substitute of spinach for cash.

My husband had asked me on the 1st if I had any resolutions. I was actually in the middle of contemplating them at that time. Then it hit me I am not calling them resolutions this year because for what ever reason, that tends to be an automatic shut off valve for most.

This year, I have goals. Some are material in nature, but as many who know me would expect, many are deep and personal soul searching hopes.

My goal list:

1. My husband and I plan to get the acre we bought a couple of years ago paid off this year. This will take some budgeting and self control.

2. Budget better... One of the places that I have found that I am utilizing for inspiration is:

 

3. Practice self control when shopping. Super sale items only; if you don't love it, don't buy it; if it is a high priced item that is not needed immediately, sleep on it; etc.

4. Volunteer in my community. I am looking to share my time with a humane society.

Now is where I get personal. I don't always like the person in the mirror. I am a giving person, and I would do just about anything for a friend, but at times, I fall below my own standards. That being said, here are my soul goals...

5. Be a stronger personality and stand up for what I believe more often. I recognize that standing quietly by while someone does something I don't agree with is the same as going along with them in a sense.

6. Be more accepting, compassionate, and open. Sometimes our personal feelings on things can get in the way of understanding how someone else may deal differently with something than we would. I want to get to a place where I can be a better friend by listening more and understanding where my friends are at in these types of situations.

This is a short list of goals I know, but they are the types of goals that when completed they will make a huge impact on my life and those around me. A new year usually means striving for a new you, and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather start than my soul...

May the blessings abound in 2011!

Summertime and the living is easy...

Three months have passed since my last post. My husband did make it home safely, though not without a few snags here and there. It wouldn't be the Army life any other way right? Since being home we have enjoyed so much time together that it has just flown by. This is a bitter sweet habit time has. Why can't time drag and allow one to relish the good moments instead of rushing through them; only to drag in times we'd rather see speed by?

Ah well what can one do but make the best of it.

My husband is back to work at a new job and a new unit. It feels good to let go of the past, but it is hard walking away from a unit that has been your "family" for nearly 6 years. Like all families, the disfunction is there, but there were plenty of good moments to make up for them. Regardless of where we are or what we are doing, the chinook family will always be dear to our hearts.

As for us, we travel forward toward the window. That window is showing more and more light every day, but I know ours is a tinted window. My husband loves his job and the Army, so the thought of him retiring at 20 years is very much like a mirage. I can see the end, but it ripples in the glow of the Army star, threatening to vanish with the slightest turn of events. For now though, we will go forward and just enjoy the view of the mirage until we can be sure if it is a real watering hole or not.

Right now, this is the time for my self improvement. Starting this semester I will be jumping head first full time into college. Up until now, I have sort of waltzed with college; a class here, a class there. Now though, with the reality of my husband's retirement hanging so vividly in front of me, I have a goal that must be tackled. If that mirage is to be a fading temptress it won't be because I can not work to provide for us. In the end, the worst case scenario would be us PCSing for another go, and me making some serious money to add to the family pot. That's not a bad worst case scenario at all...

This isn't going to be just his retirement in the end anyhow. Sure, the soldier serves and fights, but we as Army wives (and husbands) give to the cause as well. Once you have lived this life for a good amount of time, the idea of walking away from it can be overwhelming. If all you have ever known of yourself is "The Army Spouse," it is important to take that journey to find who you are outside of the Army life and what you have to give the civilian world. For me, my journey starts with college...