Counting...

Every tick of the clock, not the minute hand, the second hand. Tick...tick...tick.

How can something so small and softly spoken scream at you in such a loud voice? With every tick of that damn clock, heartbreak creeps a little closer.

Soon, it will be time to say goodbye again. I am just not sure I am ready for it. I feel very much like a child awaiting that dreaded shot their mom is making them get. Soothing words from loved ones all around me... "Don't worry...you can do this." Sure, I can. I get that, because frankly, what other choice do I have? Crying, pitching a fit, all of those things I WANT to do, won't do a damn bit of good. The deployment monster is still headed straight for me.

So, I do what Army wives do. I suck it up, pull myself up by the boot straps, and drive on. I put on my "brave mommy face" for my kids. I tell them the same well meaning things I hear from everyone around me. "We can do this! We did this before, we can do this again!"

It isn't that words of encouragement aren't appreciated. They provide a certain sense of "YES I CAN" to my gut, but my heart is throwing a 2 yr. old's temper tantrum at the same time. I CAN do this, but I don't WANT to do this!

Okay, so I don't want to do this. That means what to the Army? How about the average civilian? NOTHING! The truth to everything Army when you are an Army wife is that you may not WANT to do it, but you married into this life, and with that, you WILL do it. The only choice you have is HOW you will do it.

So, HOW will I survive this deployment? Going into this one, I have something on my side that I didn't have before, experience. I know the bed will be empty. I know my heart will ache daily, but most in the evenings when the house is quiet. I know I will worry to the point of making myself sick on occasion. I know that I will want to cry more then I am comfortable with. I know my kids will require extra hugs and reassurance.

I know, as others have said time and time again, that I CAN do this, because I HAVE done this.