My first lesson of pains as a military wife was back in 1998. My husband and I were expecting our first child, and he was headed to Korea for a year long unaccompanied tour. We had just celebrated our first anniversary. Before leaving, he had to go to BNCOC course to get pinned with his E-6. The Army wasn't letting him come home to say goodbye either.
We took our turns, him mostly, going back and forth between Virginia and Savannah during long weekends. On our weekends together at home, we were busy getting things ready for the new baby. Doing all of the nesting things we could do, rushing it all in, so we could say we shared the experience. Doesn't sound too bad right?
Then came the day he left for Korea. I didn't get the hug. I didn't get to see his face. I got a phone call. "I love you and I love our baby."
There I was, 22, 6 months pregnant, 16 hours from mom and dad, alone... I don't know how long I cried, but it was for a long time. I was scared to death. My only saving grace was a beautiful lady and her husband, that I would come to love and know as a mom and dad of sorts, Tootsie and Pat, and knowing that I was in the home my husband and I shared...
Notice my hesitation?
You see, in all of the prep to have things ready for the baby, everything had changed. Our bedroom was no longer "our bedroom". With the best of intentions, to make the most room possible in our 2 bedroom 2 bath home, my husband had put ALL of his things away in the garage and attic. There was no toothbrush on the sink. His colognes all went with him to Korea. Where his clothes once hung in the closet, he had taken the doors down to create a space for the crib in our room. Nothing of him was left in the house besides pictures. His presence was missing, and that hurt more than I could have imagined.
In the years to come, I learned not to let those little things leave the house. It is important to me that there be a part of him here. His toothbrush still sits beside the sink. I replace it when I know he is on the plane ride home. All of his colognes and deoderants stay put. If he wants to smell good, he buys more to take with him.
Recently, with the best of his intentions again, my husband "cleaned" out my cell and home phone voice mail and text messages. He deleted everything I had in there. What he didn't know was that like a silly school girl, I had saved the ones where he had called home to say "I love you" and we had missed each other. Those little things I would read, or listen to in order to make it through a rough day while he is gone. Luckily I had saved some from years ago in .wav files on the computer!
Yesterday, I ran across another difficult task. I changed my sheets and washed my bedding. As I pulled the sheets off the bed, I couldn't help but think, once I do this, there is no part of him here where I sleep. I willed myself through the process, came out on the other end pleased to sleep on fresh bedding. I was reassured only by the fact that his Dallas Cowboys Jersey he wore the day before he left, is still folded up on his nightstand. From time to time, when I am having a down day, I can hold this, and feel close to him... This is by far one of my FAVORITE things!
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